The Cycle That Keeps Couples Stuck (and How to Break It)

A couple walks into my office.They tell me that most of the time, they can discuss things rationally. But when they are tired, stressed, or emotionally triggered, conversations quickly escalate—and they end up frustrated with one another.

She longs to resolve the argument, not to prove she is right. For her, continued conflict feels like disconnection from her partner, which triggers insecurity. So she pushes, hoping to restore closeness.

He, on the other hand, feels increasingly overwhelmed by her pursuit. To avoid an explosion, he wants to step away, calm down, and revisit the discussion later. But to her, his withdrawal feels like avoidance—or worse, rejection or punishment through silence.

This misunderstanding escalates. She feels abandoned, he feels pressured, and the distance between them grows. Sometimes harsh words are exchanged; sometimes silence takes over. After days of tension, they reconcile because they love each other—but both remain braced for the next cycle to begin.

Sound familiar?This is what Greenberg and Johnson—the founders of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)—call the pursuer–withdrawer cycle. Grounded in attachment theory, the pursuer often reflects an anxious attachment style, fearing disconnection, while the withdrawer tends toward an avoidant attachment style, fearing conflict. Left unresolved, this pattern is common—and one of the leading causes of separation or divorce.

How Change Happens

The first step is identifying the pattern and the role each partner plays. This shifts the focus from blame to understanding. It helps couples see how escalation occurs: both partners feel overwhelmed, both long for support, yet neither can offer it in the moment. Instead of showing vulnerability and asking for reassurance, one criticizes, while the other withdraws.

The second step is sharing deeper emotions. Beneath anger, criticism, or silence lie feelings such as fear, hurt, or sadness. When each partner voices these underlying emotions, the other begins to see that there is no malicious intent—only pain and longing. This creates the opportunity for compassion.

The final step is consolidating new ways of relating: responding in ways that create safety, connection, and mutual soothing. With practice, couples begin to recognize triggers early, interrupt escalation, and strengthen their emotional bond.

Sources:

• Carr, A. (2025). Couple therapy and systemic interventions for adult‐focused problems: The evidence base. Journal of Family Therapy, 47(1), e12481.

• Dailey, J., Timulak, L., Goldman, R. S., & Greenberg, L. S. (2024). Capturing the change: a case study investigation of emotional and interactional transformation in emotion-focused therapy for couples. Person-Centered & Experiential Psychotherapies, 23(1), 1-19.

• Huerta, P., Edwards, C., Asiimwe, R., PettyJohn, M., VanBoxel, J., Morgan, P., & Wittenborn, A. K. (2023). Exploratory analysis of pursue-withdraw patterns, attachment, and gender among couples in emotionally focused therapy. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 51(1), 57-75.

• Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Hachette UK.

• Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Publications.

• Mendoza, A., & Leeth, C. K. (2025). A Relational Approach to Emotionally Focused Therapy. The Family Journal, 10664807251318969.