From Impulsive Reaction to Strategic Response: A Therapy Conversation (*)

Another client enters for his session. He shares his frustration: “I want to stop reacting impulsively in certain situations. It causes problems at work and in my marriage. When I feel criticized, I lash out. Deep down, I know I should respond differently. Most of the time, I’m not really being attacked — I’m just receiving feedback. But I can’t bring myself to act the way I’d like. Then I feel guilty, which only makes me angrier and more likely to explode.”

Then he asks the question that so many of us have asked ourselves at some point: “What should I do? I don’t want to feel this way anymore.”

Understanding How Emotions Work

I explain to him that emotions arise automatically. They are triggered by a combination of internal and external cues, including past experiences, beliefs, body states, and environmental factors. We can’t prevent emotions from appearing — but we can learn how to relate to them differently.

Over time, it is possible to reduce the intensity of certain emotions by analyzing and working on the triggers themselves. But before reaching that stage, the first step is to develop effective strategies for emotion regulation.

This way, emotions still give us valuable information, but they no longer dictate our behavior. Instead of being driven by the emotion, we learn to pause, reflect, and choose the response that best serves the situation.

Choosing Responses Instead of Being Driven by Them

Being strategic with emotions doesn’t mean ignoring them. It means responding in a way that fits the context:

• If anger arises during a meeting, I may decide that silence and composure will help me more than an outburst.

• With my teenage child, I may choose to voice my discontent — but in a constructive manner rather than with harshness.

The power lies in realizing that we can choose our response, rather than letting the emotion choose for us.

How to Start: The Practice of Pausing

“Sounds good,” my client said, “but how do I actually do it?”

The first step is simple in theory, yet powerful in practice: pause and calm the nervous system. Even just a few slow, deep breaths can create the space we need. When the body settles, the mind can follow.

Next comes naming the emotion. Saying to oneself, “This is anger,” or “I feel hurt,” creates distance. It signals to the brain that we are observing the emotion rather than drowning in it.

Finally, comes the strategic step: asking questions such as:

• What is this emotion trying to tell me?

• What response would serve me best in this moment?

This process transforms the emotion from a force that hijacks us into a guide that informs us.

Putting It Into Practice

“Okay, that makes sense,” my client replied. “Let’s try it together.”

And that is exactly what we did: we practiced pausing, breathing, naming, and exploring. Step by step, he began to see how emotions could shift from being enemies to allies.

We cannot avoid emotions, nor should we want to. They carry valuable messages. But by moving from reactive to strategic, we can stop being ruled by them and start using them as tools for growth, connection, and wiser decision-making.

(*) Note: The conversation shared here is a fictional example, inspired by common themes that arise in therapy. It is meant to illustrate ideas and does not describe any specific person.